Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
girls literally only want one thing..
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband