wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
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I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger