Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
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