Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
☠️ ☠️
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants