Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
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“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.