“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Has there ever been a more American story?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant