“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
7: Momma, I need $10
Me: Why?
7: I can’t tell you.
Me: Then I can’t give it to you.
7: (sigh) Fine, it’s for a deal I made at school.
Me: A deal!?
7: (big sigh) I’m bringing money, Carson is giving me toys.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.