Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-

Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.