“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
This is hilarious….
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.