Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Covid like
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.