Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
This story is comedy gold 😂
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.