Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.