Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
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If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Thank you corporation very cool
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks