Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
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Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.