Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck