Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
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call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know