Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
You Might Also Like
Swedish for common sense.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food