Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Art by Pastelkatto

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Not messing around

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!