Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
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If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.