Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”

Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

saw this in a dream

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

What about a To-Don’t List?

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse