Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

3yo: can we watch something?

Me: sure what do you want?

3yo: anything but the maps.

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

‘Dances with Wolves’…

But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

There are no pants in heaven.

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

[Cop flashes headlights behind me]

WIFE: I think he wants you to stop

ME: No I think he wants a street race

[A few minutes later]

ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button