Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.