@WorkingMom86

“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”

*shakes magic 8 ball

*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess

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@sixfootcandy

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh

@truegritrumble

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

@AmandasNotFunny

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

@NurseSeymour

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@edamamiiiii

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those