*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
“Will I ever live in a clean house again?”
*shakes magic 8 ball
*magic 8 ball explodes and makes a mess
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2017 me: oh
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those