Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.