Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
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The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Shoo shoo! 😂
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”