Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie:

“If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.