Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
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my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.