Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

can’t talk my ride’s here