Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

*Looks left*

*Looks right*

*Crosses road*

*Gets run over by chicken*