Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!

Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Just had my nails done!

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today

I was first in line

What

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.