Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”

“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”

“You heard me.”

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic

me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.

Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*