Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…a raise?

HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?

Me: I’d like to report a hacking!

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!