Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”