Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
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What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
There are no pants in heaven.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape