Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes

imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait

Want to talk trash? Recycle.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Who is that walking up my driveway?!

Anxiety in 3…2…1…

[knock, knock]

*sigh*

“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here

therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?

me: haha right on, cya guys

wife: wha-

therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.