will i understand Nosferatu if i haven’t seen Nosfera 1
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I didn’t know they can drive…
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.