Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

[In the middle of nowhere]

4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”

… yes

“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

Just me?

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.