Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
You Might Also Like
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I found your tweet-up…
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring