@TwinSurvivalist

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

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@ch000ch

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

@CVTBaby

Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.

@bacon_gillepic

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

@TheHyyyype

ME: seen the loch ness monster?
HER: it’s not real
M: *unzips pants* wanna bet?
H: *rolls eyes* sure
M: k i’ll pee and then we’ll google it

@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

@FBSisnothere

“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”

@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@tuckerflodman

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

@JustMeTurtle

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.