my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
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Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Dang I just got a raise
ME: seen the loch ness monster?
HER: it’s not real
M: *unzips pants* wanna bet?
H: *rolls eyes* sure
M: k i’ll pee and then we’ll google it
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.