Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Sharon I have some bad news
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”