Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
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Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Come back with a warrant
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
This billboard speaks to me
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Mike is short for Micycle
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?