Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
If they made Dracula swallow a grenade would that kill him or is it still just a hard “only wooden stakes/the sun” rule
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.