Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are