Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead