will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Pass gas, not judgment.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Never deleting this app.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
called in thicc to work this morning
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan