Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
deleted bumble, instead i’m just going to walk into trader joe’s and look confused