Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

we must combat the global scourge of underage baking

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?

Husband:

Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?

Husband:

Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.