Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98

ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me

“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that

me: yes