Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica