Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
my first dose meeting my second
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.