Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
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I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
This pepper has seen some shit
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If I ignore life will it go away?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.