Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
You Might Also Like
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
#Caturday
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*performs CPR on the turkey*