Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

next level snooze

Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?

Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day