Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house

My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.

We met by accident