Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!

And that is how marriage works.

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14