Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out