Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩