Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
You Might Also Like
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”