Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
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A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
RT if you know someone like this!!!
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”