WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
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my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
🌱🌱🌱
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People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.