Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: I said no.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive