Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
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reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
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[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
This is enough internet for the day.
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what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”![]()
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.