Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000

Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”

Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

be safe out there!

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.