Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.