Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.