Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?