will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
You Might Also Like
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
S/o to @funTweeters .
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
✌️
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
When you let grandma cat sit
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.