will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
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Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Them: Just act casual
Me:
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.