Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

*runs into a burning building to save the fire*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!

#hooters

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!