Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.

A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?

I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

“Sir how should we sell scissors?”

SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.