Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.

*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

[blind date]

HER: I recently found Jesus

ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.