*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
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When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Fiction has to make sense.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Okay me first
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT