Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
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Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus