Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Dumple
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?