Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

what does he know…

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

Egregious Outerwear Lies

Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.